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I can never seem to find the right words to talk to people. Both in a literal sense, where I struggle to think of the words (it's been suggested to me that I might have aphasia though I'm fairly confident this isn't the case) and a metaphorical sense where I can't decide how to properly express something (I often give up in trying to say something to minimize that effort). I don't know why or where these issues started, but it has kinda left me in a state where I tend to isolate myself so I don't find myself tripping over finding the right thing to say. Even now, I'm continually looking back and trying to decide if this is worth talking about and if it's accurate and if it this is really my experience as a whole or just something a weird gale brought in.

(TW: mentions of suicide and assault)

Despite this constant worry, I still try to care for people. I try to be trustworthy or reliable enough that people always know they can turn to me. Even when I'm trying to have a good time, I find myself checking to make sure that I can take control if anything bad happens. I know that this part of myself came from a combination of being the one to watch my younger brothers (mom had a full time job watching the elderly, dad had a full time job watching out for the enemy team in games) and always feeling like one wrong move could end up in losing someone or something (both parents have threatened or acted suicidal at some point, dad choked mom while she was pregnant and both her and me a few months after the miscarriage, a good friend of mine overdosed for reasons I still don't know shortly after I was at his house and I didn't go inside to see him [years after this same friend robbed my home], my brother almost drowned after following me in a deep body of water). Knowing all this, would it surprise you to hear that I still flinch when someone touches my shoulder, something I should have grown out of a long time ago? That I'll chase my friend who suddenly darted down to the end of a subway station, just to find out they're only looking to relieve themselves? That I reprimand myself for saying something even with just the wrong phrasing because I think I'm an ass who hurts everyone he talks to? And this is just the stuff I'm aware of. The way I act, as weird, controlling, or isolating as it might be, is just how I make sure no one is hurt because I couldn't keep a situation under control. It is something I never do satisfactorily.

This is honestly just a small part of how we got to where I am now, but I've been second guessing all that I've written since before I started writing. I'll leave it here before everything I wrote miraculously disappears.

I like writing, but I don't do it enough. I mostly write about my introspections, but I loved making stories when I was younger. I enjoy reading, it lets me take a look into another world, but I'm afraid it will only become escapism.