Profile

Shan

she/they

20

OH → NYC

LGBTQ+

Neurodivergent, Mentally Ill

ADHD, Depression, PTSD

Photographer, Gamer, Nature Lover


Growing up I never really thought a lot about how my brain worked, let alone mental illness. I just knew that I felt different from other kids. It was hard for me to make quality friends even though I often felt to be the life of the party. Everything felt disconnected and it really wasn’t until I got a name for some of the things I was feeling that I started to feel a little less alone.

I ended up finding queer and neurodivergent people alike online who welcomed me with open arms. Playing games with them after hard days at school made things a lot more worthwhile. I started embracing the little things in life, finding meaning in the way ice melted or how feathers of birds fluttered in the wind. Nothing really mattered so I found hope in my own meaning.

Although I sometimes feel that my mental health is now at an all-time low, I’m still more confident and proud of myself than ever. I may not know where my life is going, but I know that I want to live it. And even more than that, I know that I want to spend it helping others.

Do you ever look at something for so long that it becomes distorted?Like it doesn’t belong -- a surreal extension of something perfectly goodThe smudged letters of something written too many timesA ripple in the order of things, something doesn’t feel right.I don’t feel right.Sometimes words can’t explain the things I’m feelingSometimes the somethings don’t explain the somebodies and I feel that I am not someoneSometimes I feel like that page that was printed in fading inkHaving so many somethings contained upon it, but lacking the contrast of bold ink to convey itI want to tear the paper apart and bring it back together,Transparent tape rejoining the tattered pieces into a new, disheveled structureAn excuse for why the paper is not legible, a reason to not understand what I have createdMy paper has no place in a book.A single, loose sheet.Forced to hold up to the elements on its own, not bound to anotherI want to recycle the sheet and start anew, but people cannot be recycled.I must flip my page and start again -- one faded letter at a time.